7/12/99:  On a business trip to Chicago; called home at 11:30 PM; Children were at home alone, Marlene's whereabouts unknown. 

7/24/99:  Typical Saturday - Marlene got up around 7:15 or 7:30 (she doesn't even get up at that hour during the week) got nicely dressed, left the house at 8:15 saying she was going to go to Pam's house to get her hair done.  Returned at 2:15, with her hair obviously curled, no explanation why it took 6 hours to go to someone's house for hair styling.   Left at 3:30 in the truck saying she was going to help Cathy pick up a mattress for her house.  Returned to the house at 9:30 with again no explanation.  

7/31/99:  The next Saturday - left the house at 9:00 PM saying she 'had to make a delivery' and returned at 1:15 AM.  Did not answer cell phone or pager.  

8/2/99:  Stayed up all night.  Had a dispute over it.  8/3/99:  Slept downstairs.  8/4/99:  Made a bed for herself downstairs again.  I asked her to please come to bed and she did.  

7/23/99 - 8/6/99:   The bills - Received paycheck on 7/23.  We were already behind in the bills because I had used the prior paycheck (plus $1,000 borrowed against Mastercard) to close the refinancing of the house.  I had balanced the checkbook over the weekend of the 24th and 25th and gave Marlene the usual list of bills for which to write checks.  According to my reconciliation, we had roughly enough money to cover the bills I had given Marlene but not much else.  (Just meaning that we would be OK as long as we watched what we spent until the next paycheck.  I called Marlene from work to remind her to send off the bills (already overdue). She said she had.  I said 'all of them?' and she said 'yes', acting a little perturbed that I was following up on her like that.  

Insteady of 'watching what we spend', she wrote the following series of checks against the joint account:
	7/30 $450 Cash
	7/30 $400 Deposit
	7/30 $150 Cash
	8/2  $300 Cash
	8/3 $389 Deposit
	8/3 $50 Cash (locked keys in car - AAA had expired August 1st since the automatic credit card transaction didn't go through (THIS was caused by me giving Marlene the Credit Union Visa; telling her it was good for $100; She spent $150 (which put us over on spending for Jordan's Birthday); I said I would return the video game for a credit; she said she would return $50 worth of clothes; she didn't; the card was over limit for AAA).  I get annoyed for two reasons:  you should do what you agree to do up front; if you don't, and you offer to make it right, you should make it right. Long tirade but a cascade of problems.)
	
THEN, post-dated checks for the orthodontist (OK), and $150 for carpet cleaning (postponeable - not OK).  

After running a mini-statement on the checking account, I confronted Marlene on all the cash transactions going back and forth.  She assured me that we wouldn't be overdrawn as we appeared to be since all the checks wouldn't clear before my next payday.  (DON'T like the check kiting thing... plus it just puts you behind on the money you need for the next batch of bills.)  The confrontation over THIS uncovered that Marlene had NOT in fact mailed off the bills; as a matter of fact, not even half of them; and she was holding the others in her purse to be mailed later.  At this point she denied having actually said that she had mailed them all off, only that she had 'mailed the bills', despite the fact that I had asked her directly (to her chagrin), and she didn't see this as misleading or an untruth.  

For her, she sees this as my obsession over finances, and doesn't see any moral dilema over unethical business practices (check kiting) or giving me a direct false answer to a direct question.  

Saturday 8/7/99: Only noteworthy for the fact that after trying to encourage Marlene to lay in the bed with me for a little while, she got up (went for a run?  or was that the previous weekend?), got dressed, went downstairs.  I went downstairs and tried to have a heart to heart, nothing beligerent, just trying to get some indication of how I should be acting... Trying to be nice doesn't get a response, trying to stand up for myself only makes the situation hostile, I'm not sure what to say, not sure if I should try to be friendly, keep my distance, just be civil and never touch on anything with any emotional substance.. etc. etc. etc.  The discussion (the kids were still in bed) did not deteriorate into anything hostile but my own condition deteriorated into me saying I couldn't stand to go on this way as the invisible man indefinately, and crying big heaving sobs into my hands covering my face sitting at the kitchen table.  Marlene had managed to keep herself totally shut off for the whole conversation until after about 10 minutes of this wholesale blubbering, she came across the table and put her hands on my shoulder.  

In the prior year, this has been my experience with crying:  Two days before my mother died, I arrived at the house not initially realizing that I had arrived to oversee her death.  I sat by her bed (she was pretty much unconscious) and the only thing I could think of to do was to do what she would have done for me as a child:  I began to sing to her, first children's songs (Jesus bids us shine) and then hymns that I knew and knew that she loved.  As I sang "I come to the garden alone" (with the chorus:  "and He walks with me and He talks with me; and He tells me I am his own"), my Mother, whose one exposed hand I was holding, without opening her eyes took her other hand slowly out from beneath the covers and placed it on mine, gently squeezing my hand.  At that moment, I had sudden clarity that I had reached her through the fog, that this would be my final sentient contact with her and that THIS would be the moment that I would always remember about the passing of my mother.  Well, I broke down in tears and cried vigorously for a few minutes finally announcing:  "Mother, I didn't come here to cry over you now!".  This was on Saturday September 5th 1998.  I was once again at her bedside when she died on Labor Day, September 7th.  

The following Saturday was her Memorial Service, which I took the lead on arranging and conducting (very stressful of course).  After the service, several of us went down to the Harding campus with one of our cousins (actually first cousin once removed to me) who had once lived at my Mom's and who now wanted to be baptized.  She was baptized by my first cousin Cliff Clark in the fountain outside the main Harding auditorium (it is made for such public baptisms) and we all stood around in the rain for the event.  After this we all stood in a circle holding hands while Mark Kird led a prayer.  In it he made reference to one saved soul going to heaven while another living soul was added to the kingdom through the baptism.  After all the stress of the week, I couldn't take it and I broke down for the first time since Mom's death and just blubbered (Mary Ethel held me until I quit heaving sobs).  

Since then, I have only come to tears one time.  I don't have the date (I believe it was in May (1999)), but it was an occasion where Marlene was pulling one of her all-nighters.  I awoke with a start around 5:00 AM realizing that I was in the bed alone, and staggered down the stairs to see what the deal was.  Marlene was sitting on the couch leaning back spreadeagled  and asleep.  Sleepily, I got down on my knees in front of her and tried to put my arms around her and my head on her lap.  She opened her eyes, looked at me, and pushed me away so violently that I crashed into the coffee table.  I got up, startled and said 'you really can not stand that badly for me to even touch you?'  I had thought I was making a sweet gesture... At that point, I went upstairs, got back into bed, and sobbed into my pillow, later falling back to sleep.  Marlene totally ignored me, not apologizing, not checking on me, not making any kind of acknowledgment. 

That's my crying installment.  I hope I don't have to revisit it to add more entries.  

The week of 8/8/99.  For Carly's birthday, I bought her a stereo; Marlene bought her clothes, not exceeding what we had agreed upon as an appropriate amount.  We had also agreed to take Carly to Disney World - which started out as family thing, but due to lack of ability to get the schedule together and an unestimation of what it would cost (Carly had figured the cost using the amount of a Florida Residents 4 day pass which was only offered for a limited time and the actual cost for which was double - around $177 apiece.  Too much for five at this point) we had scaled it back to an idea that one or the other of us would take Carly alone for one day and maybe spend the night.  More later... 

IN THE MEANTIME - the 11th would be our 21st Anniversary.  On the 9th, Marlene did one of her stay-up-all night things, which always makes it hard for me to sleep (Sorry).  We fought again on the 10th (I don't remember why - all I remember is again I had to ask if Marlene was going to sleep upstairs or down).  

(8/23/99 - Left out some details on the week from hell).  On the 9th, Marlene wrecked the Explorer. She was going on one of her long distance errands to buy some materials, up to Commercial Blvd or some such place, and on the way home, in a rainstorm, lost control on a curve on the interstate (on a ramp maybe) and spun around, striking the divider head on, spinning back around and ending up parallel to the road.  The damage was not substantial, but it did smash the grill, headlight molding, bumper, and front driver side quarterpanel.  When I got home, she wasn't there and Carly told me what had happened.  I really didn't say anything to her about it when she got home... I was really more upset that:  a) this was an unneccessary trip; and b) she didn't even bother to call me to tell me about it.  Since this was her second wreck in around a year, and it would have to be covered by collision (with a $500 deductable) I said that since the car was driveable, and I didn't have the $500, that I didn't want to turn it in to the insurance and we would get it fixed when we could.  

On the 10th, we got into it because around 10:30 PM, Marlene's cell phone rang, she bolted off the couch to pick up, RAN outside and not just outside the door but down to the end of the block.  THIS kind of got me upset.  When she came back in, I asked her what that was all about and she said that she wanted her privacy (maybe they were even talking about ME!). I told her that if people were calling her about such sensitive topics she should have the decency to tell them to call when I wasn't around, rather that just rub it in my face.  (Back to the original narrative:)

On the 11th, I got up early (couldn't sleep) and went in to work.  I had some morning things scheduled but nothing after 2:00 PM, so I thought I would take off a little early, and maybe Marlene and I could go out to eat dinner.  I left around 2:30 or 3:00, stopped at Hallmark, got what I thought was a strikingly appropriate card.  (It was a lazer cut card with the inscription: 
	We're not related... 
	except by love. 

	We're not family... 
	except by choice.

	And home
	wouldn't be home
	without you.  

My inscription was:  With All My Love
		And Wishes for More Years Together, 
		Happy Anniversary, Jonathan.)
After Hallmark, I stopped by the store and got a flower arrangement - roses and daisies, and then went home.  I gave the flowers and card to Marlene and she gave me this look like 'Oh No, what now'.... When she opened the card she realized what day it was and said "Sorry, I forgot all about it, I didn't even realize what day it was..."  and after reading the card, she said "Nice card" with no further commentary.  To me this unfeeling reaction was terribly hurtful, not just by virtue of forgetting the day, but by the total rejection of each effort to be nice or to try and inject some positive feelings into an otherwise miserable relationship.  Then when I asked her if she wanted to go out to eat, just the two of us, she began to stammer and backpedal:  No, she didn't have other plans, she was just not mentally prepared to go out and hadn't considered it and didn't really feel she was in the mood.  This was insult to injury and turned my hurt to anger.  Where I had previously said that I wasn't expecting anything from her for the occasion, I was just trying to be nice, at this point I sarcastically said "Well, I just want to be sure that you have every possible opportunity to reject me in every possible way!" and stomped upstairs.  Since this was only around 4:30 or 5:00 (still quite early) and I was becoming more upset with the level and nature of the rejection, I packed up my stuff and went to the gym, thinking this might help me to work off some of my frustration and maybe make me feel better.  I had an especially aggressive workout and only came out of it thinking maybe Marlene would have thought about it and still suggest we go out (since it still only about 8:00).  I don't know why I set myself up like this, but of course Marlene had not had any thought of me, my feelings, or making any gestures that might assuage the situation.  When I got home, she had gone to Publix, bought fried chicken and was trying to get the kids to eat some.  Of course, she looked at me and asked what my problem was.  Of course, I told her SHE was the problem and that I was the one making an effort.  Obviously, the hard workout did not do the trick.  I got a beer out of the refrigerator, grabbed my bottle of tequila and went upstairs slamming the door.  Probably 2 or 2 1/2 hours, one more beer, and about 5 shots of tequila later, I was realizing THAT wasn't doing the trick either and I had some things to get off my chest (I know... I never learn... Hard to see straight through the hurt I guess...).  I went downstairs and made the little speech that I had been mentally rehearsing.  Mainly that, I loved her though I couldn't explain why considering the way she treated me... and that I was trying hard not to kill off the idea that I had been fighting for a long time not to lose; that is, that we would carry on, however less than ideal our situation was, and that we would grow old together.  But despite all that, I wouldn't want to be her... that in fact I felt sorry for her... that life for her must be terribly empty.. that her obvious disregard for those around her showed her an empty shell of a person.  Of course, I can't just pour out a rehearsed bit of dialogue and leave it at that.  Of course neither one of us can stand not getting the last word in.  Of course the tequila, which hadn't made me feel any better, didn't improve my judgemental capabilities either.  SO... two hours later we are screaming at each other in a huge fight which culminated in me calling Marlene a slut (loudly and repeatedly), Marlene hitting me several times (three times with an open palm... 4 or 5 times with her fist directly to my face), Marlene calling me a 'closet homo', me slapping her, and me pushing her down into her flowers in response to one of her slugs in the face.  The physical fallout was... Marlene's wrist was hurt and swollen (apparently from coming into contact with the side of my face); I thought through the next day that my nose might be broken (although within about three days it was feeling considerably better so maybe it wasn't broken); The inside of my right cheek was pretty much torn apart (inside the mouth looked nasty but outside just a little swollen); and some blood from my nose and mouth.  

8/12/99: I called home a couple of times trying to get some idea as to whether I should take Friday (the 13th) off from work and finally decided by the time I left work that I would assume that I was taking it off and if Ididn't I could just go into work.  This Friday was probably the only time I had a good chance to take the day off for a trip to Orlando before school started and that is what we had promised to Carly.  That evening, we discussed who would take Carly and who would stay home with the kids.  Marlene did not want to drive to Orlando and while I had no problem with spending the day with Carly (looked forward to it actually), I told Marlene I had one reservation about me being the one to drive to Orlando (with the possibility of spending the night).  That was:  I can't stop her from doing what she wants but I didn't want to facilitate her doing it.  That if she took Carly to Orlando, at least I would know where she was, who she was with, and what she was doing.  If I took Carly, I was afraid that she would take the opportunity to go out and I wouldn't know where she was, who she was with and what she was doing.  She laughed at me (literally), told me that I was being paranoid, and assured me that if I would take Carly to Orlando, she would stay at home.  I accepted that, figuring that if her reassurance wasn't good enough, maybe I was being a little paranoid.  

Carly and I got up at 4:00 AM (second night in a row for me to get no more than 3 - 4 hours of sleep), loaded up on coffee and took off.  We got to Universal Studios Islands of Adventure around 8:15 AM which got us down into the park around 10 minutes before it opened (perfect timing).  We had a great time, which I won't go into here, except to say that Carly got me onto some of the roller coaster that normally I would NEVER ride and I loved it (doing 3 rides more than once!).  Marlene called my cell phone at least three times during the day, mainly wanting to know if we were spending the night.  I was non-committal each time, saying it depended on when we left the park.  

Around 7:00 PM, Hannah called my cell phone wanting to know where I was and where her mother was since no-one was at the house and she wasn't answering her cell phone.  She said she didn't realize we were in Orlando.  Well, of course, I tried to call the house to no avail and this got me switched into the 'Where is Marlene" mindset, since she didn't answer the cell phone for me either (although no calls go unanswered on her cell phone when she is at home... but that's another issue).  So, I began to call home about every hour just to see if somebody would show up.  

We left the park around 9:30 PM and by the time we were out on the road it was a little before 10:00.  I drove as far as the first service plaza on the turnpike (around 30 miles), stopped, telling Carly I was going to the bathroom and getting a Coke.  Using my cell phone, I left a series of three messages saying: 1st. I thought we had just discussed this, that she had laughed at me for thinking that she would use the situation to go running around.  2nd. That I had had an excellent day with Carly but that now, I had that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that is brought on by not knowing where she was, who she was with, or what she was doing (sorry, I can't help it), that I was carrying 2 pagers and a cell phone, all of which had voice mail, so I didn't think that she had failed to let me know about any change in plans because she couldn't get in touch with me.  And finally, a few minutes later, I called back and said that when she had talked to me I had believed her and had trusted that she would do as she said.  All of the messages were non-belligerent and to me thoughtful and honest.  I figured she would pick them up when she got in (which I was pretty sure would be before we got home since I thought she would assume that we were coming home, not having heard anything different).  

Finally, some time after leaving the messages (probably around 11:00 or 11:15), I got a call on my cell phone from Marlene's cell phone.  She told me she was at Mario Caycedo's house (the parents of Jordan's friend Michael) and they were sitting chatting and having a few drinks.  First of all, she had obviously already had a few drinks.  She was non-committal about where she had been earlier, but it wasn't there and she would give me the 'full itinerary' later if I wanted.  Second, these are people that Marlene had since the infamous 'Soccer Party' at the Rudas' house, always professed to not like, since they had (as a couple) tried to put the make on Marlene to get her into a threesome that night (different story, maybe will show up as a different journal entry someday).  So, it seemed a little funny to me although Marlene said she would be home 'in a little bit' and that she was 'only 5 minutes away from the house'.  (I guess that makes it less of a violation of trust if it's close by... sorry for the editorializing.)  

Past that point, I called every hour to see if anyone was home, and if not, I called Marlene's cell phone.  12:15, Marlene said she would finish her drink and go home.  We got home around 1:00 and I called the house from down the street.  No one was there so I made a side trip to go by Michael's house.  In fact the truck was there and I could see through the front glass Marlene's blonde head at the couch.  (Carly had slept all the way home but she woke up at this point saying 'What is she doing over there?  I thought she didn't like those people.' (Carly had been at the drunken Soccer Party)) I went on home and called again, telling Marlene that we were home.  We got ready to go to bed but by 2:15 when Marlene was still not home, Carly asked me about her mother and I called again.  This time no one answered.  I tried a couple more times.  At this point, I said, 'I have half a notion to just go over there'.  Carly said, 'I think you should go get her'.  (On top of everything else, I was afraid Marlene would wreck or get a DUI with Jordan in the car.)

I drove back to Michael's, pulling up with the lights out and parking one house down.  The lights were completely out in the living room and the shades pulled mostly closed.  I walked up to the house and tried to look into the windows.  I determined that Michael and Jordan were still up playing on the computer but the rest of the house was dark.  I could hear some noise and music from the living room.  The porch light was on so I didn't want to stand there too long.  I knocked on the door.  I heard shuffling around inside.  Mario came to the door and asked who was there.  He must've looked through the peephole because he then opened the door without me saying anything.  I don't think he immediately knew who it was (or he was drunk) because he looked at me with little recognition until I said 'Is Marlene here'?  He said 'yes' opened the door the rest of the way.  When I came in, he was dressed in gym shorts & t-shirt, his wife was sitting on the floor in pajama tops, and Marlene's drink was sitting between their two.  They said she was in the bathroom so I went back there and Marlene came out (wearing a short skirt and top).  I said 'Can we go home now?' and she said 'What are you doing here?'.  We tried to gather up Jordan, but he asked to spend the night and we let him.  They (she) asked me if I wanted to stay, but I said that Carly was up and asking for her mother.  As we were standing in the living room, I noticed a pair of panties on the couch.  

I wouldn't let Marlene drive and made her leave the truck in the street.  We drove home and Marlene (though she claimed she was ready to drive) could hardly get out the door.  Trying to help her out of the Explorer, I got a flash which suggested that SHE was missing her panties.  When we got inside, when she bent over the couch to deposit her purse and other stuff, I ran my hand up her skirt to her ass and indeed, she was not wearing panties.  She turned around and I did this again, this time finding that her pussy was still soaking wet.  She wouldn't let me keep my hand there, although I was at the same time anxious and excited.  She began to give me a variety of explanations ranging from refusing to say anything, like it was none of my business, to admitting that 'they tried to take my panties off' (to which I replied, 'succeeded, they did it seems to me!'), to saying that this had only been going on for first 20 minutes then 5 minutes, then 3 or 4 minutes, to just started it, to 'I had talked to them and said I couldn't do anything like this', to 'Nothing happened'.  At first I tried to keep my hand on her pussy, stroking it, but she pushed me away strongly.  I asked her if she wasn't horny and she said no, not at all, that I couldn't just come up to her and put my hands up her skirt (although this was apparently OK for others!).  She tried to get me to tell her exactly what I had seen but I would only imply that it was more than what she was admitting.  Bottom line on this discussion was that she was only a few minutes away from home, that she was resisting their advances (although she lost her panties and made no attempt to come home), and that there was no residual horniness that I might help her take care of (she'd rather masturbate that have contact with me).  

We moved the conversation out of the hallway and into the living room so as not to disturb Carly and Marlene sat on the couch with me across from her on the coffee table.  The bottom line on this part of the conversation was that I did eventually talk her into letting me perform oral sex on her as long as she didn't have to reciprocate in any way.  I went down on her orally and with manual manipulation and eventually came myself.  

We went to bed around 4:15 or 4:30 without further contact and I was able to sleep 2 hours before waking up emotionally anxious and unable to get back to sleep.  This means I got around 3 hours sleep on Wednesday night, a little less than 4 Thursday night, stayed up over 24 hours and then got 2 hours of sleep Friday night / Saturday morning.  This is got to be taking a toll on me.  

'nuff for now.  

The next week: Journal2.txt